


Mistakes to Avoid When Writing TOS

by WeirdLittleStories



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: Essay, Gen, Non-fic, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-13
Updated: 2015-02-14
Packaged: 2017-12-26 12:04:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,521
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/965717
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WeirdLittleStories/pseuds/WeirdLittleStories
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A number of people write TOS stories because Kirk, Spock, and McCoy are so iconic or so delicious or so wonderful, even though their understanding of <i>Star Trek</i> comes mostly from <i>The Next Generation </i> or <i>Deep Space Nine </i> or another of the Star Trek series.  To keep your story within TOS boundaries, here are a few things to keep in mind.</p><p>This is an essay, not a story, and it's about <span class="u">the television show</span>, not about the movies featuring the same cast.  (The movies were somewhat different than TV-show-era Star Trek; this essay is only about the show.)</p><p><b>Just Added:  </b>Chapter 2, on how to make Kirk and McCoy talk like Americans, even if you aren't one. :-)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

All of the items below are intended to be helpful for those who want to get their TOS trivia correct while they're writing stories; nothing here is meant to rain on anyone's parade. I mean, you can make Kirk purple and Spock red and McCoy green if you want to - it's FAN FICTION, after all. ;-) But people who like Star Trek often also like facts, so here are a few such facts that might make things easier for writers who DO want their stories to be accurate depictions of the TOS world.

**Mistakes to Avoid When Writing Stories Set in the Universe of The Original Series (at the time of the TV show** )  
  
  
**1\. TOS has LANDING PARTIES, not away teams.**  
  
"Away team" and "away mission" are terms that came into use only AFTER the original series went off the air in 1969; what we had at the time of the original series was landing parties.  
  
You can choose a landing party, equip a landing party, beam down a landing party, strand a landing party, lose contact with your landing party, have them stuck in one of the ubiquitous caves or troubled by the even-more-ubiquitous ion storms — or get them into terrible trouble in some new way (for which, yay!). But don't do any of this to an "away team" on an "away mission," because TOS didn't call them that.  
  
  
**2\. There are no replicators in TOS.**  
  
At the time of the original series, the _Enterprise_ had **food synthesizers.** Replicators are a later technology, so they were not yet available. You can have the food synthesizers produce any FOOD you like, but they can't make uniforms, equipment, or other items.  
  
For example, towards the beginning of "A Private Little War," Kirk says, "Inform ship's stores that we'll need native costumes." At the end of that same episode, he says, "Spock, ask Scotty how long it would take him to reproduce a hundred flintlocks." In both cases, it's clear that the items are either being carried already made-up (the costumes) or are being made by an actual person (the guns).

In "Patterns of Force," Kirk asks for McCoy to be beamed down in a Nazi uniform by saying, "Patch the historical computer into the uniform section."  Later, McCoy complains that "the computer" gave him the wrong size boot.  It's clear that the _Enterprise_ 's crew is able to use the computer to assist in the fabrication of some items, but it is never called a "replicator," and the technology used appears to be different.  
  
You can have the _Enterprise_ make or carry whatever you wish; it's clear they have the ability to make a variety of items for a variety of purposes. Just don't say that whatever-it-is came out of a replicator.  
  
  
**3\. In addition to being the first officer, Spock is also the SCIENCE Officer.**  
  
I've seen stories where the authors make Spock ignorant of basic human anatomy, ignorant of the facts of reproduction in humans, ignorant of how two men have sex, ignorant of all sorts of things that Spock would definitely know.  
  
In TOS, Spock shows himself to be an expert in all of the natural sciences, including Physics, Chemistry, and Biology, as well as an expert in Computer Science. He also appears to be familiar with the social sciences, such as Psychology, Sociology, and Anthropology. And even though they're not sciences, Spock has shown himself conversant with History, Music, Literature — even Folklore — and the list of his knowledge and expertise goes on ... and on.  
  
This is a man who knows all about quadrotriticale, who can recognize Brahms' handwriting when he sees it, who can lecture on the role of familiars in magical practice (!), who can recognize Nazi uniforms at a glance, who can recommend a particular type of heart operation when his father needs one. Having him be surprised — for example — that human testicles are external is simply not believable. Spock almost certainly knows more about human anatomy and physiology than Kirk does.  
  
You can make Spock surprised that he is putting his knowledge to personal use, because he never expected to be doing whatever you're having him do. You can make him have trouble with the emotional implications of the course of action you're having him embark on. But making him ignorant of facts is not believable; Spock knows more or less everything.  
  
  
**4\. No one shrieks "Captain on the Bridge" when Kirk walks onto the bridge.  And no one salutes anyone, ever.**  
  
Kirk exits the turbolift and takes his chair without fanfare, except in as much as Shatner's every step is a fanfare. :-)

They do say this occasionally in three of the **movies** that star the TOS cast, but NOT — not even once — in any of the 79 episodes of the TV show.  
  
Gene Roddenberry intentionally made Starfleet only a QUASI-military organization, and he states in the [TOS Writer's Guide](http://leethomson.myzen.co.uk/Star_Trek/1_Original_Series/Star_Trek_TOS_Writer's_Guide.pdf) that certain "annoying medieval leftovers" — such as saluting — are not present in Starfleet. Nicholas Meyer thought of Star Trek as "the navy in space" and added some militaristic touches to the movies he helmed that Roddenberry didn't have in the original Star Trek. Notice that "Captain on the Bridge" is NOT said in TMP (the movie Roddenberry made) or in TSFS or TVH (the movies that Nimoy made). In other words, it's not said in any of the movies made by people who thoroughly understand TOS.  
  
  
**5\. There's no "ready room" just off the bridge.**  
  
Short consultations between only a few people take place on the bridge itself or in the captain's quarters; longer meetings or consultations that involve more than a few people take place in the briefing room. (The _Enterprise_ was redesigned more than once between the time when Kirk was in charge of her and the time when Picard got a completely different ship with a similar name, so the _Enterprise-D_ has a lot of features that the original _Enterprise_ doesn't have.)  
  
  
**6\. Kirk is a bit of a ladies' man, yes, but he uses his sexuality as a tool at least as often as he's involved in real relationships or in recreational sexuality.**  
  
We often see Kirk kissing some woman he just met five minutes ago, which proves that he's a total sex maniac, right? Um, no. :-)  
  
Kirk does appreciate women, but most of Kirk's seductions are intended to accomplish a mission-related goal, such as to distract the woman, to secure her help, to gain more information about the situation, to stall for time, and so on. For example, he kisses Andrea in "What Are Little Girls Made Of" to try to confuse her and to gain her loyalty. He flirts with Miri in the episode of the same name in order to soothe her fears and to get her on their side. He kisses Sylvia in "Catspaw" to try to get information out of her. He kisses Marlena in "Mirror, Mirror" partly to maintain his cover and partly to gain her as an ally. Kelinda in "By Any Other Name," Shahana in "Gamesters of Triskelion" ... the list of women Kirk seduces in order to further **non** -sexual ends goes on and on. It's clear that Kirk's sexuality is a weapon as potent as his phaser. ;-) But using his charisma for instrumental purposes is very different from being totally driven by his sexuality.

And much of the time, Kirk doesn't even have a _choice._ Sylvia didn't him much choice. Deela in "Wink of an Eye" gave him NO choice, and Helen Noel was forced on him by Dr. Adams in "Dagger of the Mind." Nona used a drug to seduce Kirk against his will in "A Private Little War," and Elaan used her magic tears to seduce him against his will in "Elaan of Troyius."  Sargon and Thalassa use the bodies of Kirk and Ann Mulhall to make out in "Return to Tomorrow," but _Kirk_ isn't kissing anybody.

The number of women Kirk kisses both willingly and for non-mission-related goals is actually very small: 

In Season 1, there's Areel Shaw in "Court Martial," Ruth in "Shore Leave," and Edith Keeler in "The City on the Edge of Forever."  (I'm excluding Janice Rand in "Enemy Within" because that was Evil Kirk, and Kirk makes it clear in "The Naked Time" that the whole Kirk can't or won't get involved with his yeoman.)   Andrea, Helen Noel, Miri, and Lenore Karidian were all mission-related.

In Season 2, there are NO women that Kirk kisses willingly for non-mission-related ends.  Sylvia, Marlena, Shahana, and Kelinda are ALL mission-related, and Nona gave him a date-rape drug to make him kiss her against his will.  (Janet Wallace pursues Kirk in "The Deadly Years," but he fends her off.)

In Season 3, there's Miramanee in "The Paradise Syndrome" (though since Kirk had amnesia then, it's not clear how much this should count), and there's Rayna in "Requiem for Methuselah."  He does try to make time with Miranda Jones in "Is There in Truth No Beauty," but she wasn't having any. :-)  Elaan, Deela, Marta, and Odona were all mission-related, and Vanna and Janice Lester were attackers.

So that's ... five women in three years — one of which was an amusement-park android and one of which Kirk got involved with when he'd lost his memory — which I think isn't actually all that much for a thirty-four-year-old man.  But then, starship captains are very busy folks. ;-)  
  
  
**7\. Spock doesn't fall apart when it's cold; he handles cold BETTER than a human.**  
  
In the episode "All Our Yesterdays," Spock and McCoy are sent to an ice age.  After tromping through the snow for a time, Spock is still functioning well when McCoy is lying in the snow, urging him to go on without him, because McCoy's done for. McCoy has frostbite on both his hands and his face, and he can't feel his feet, so Spock hauls McCoy up out of the snow and drags him to Zarabeth's cave. This is not the portrait of a Vulcan who crumbles when the temperature drops. :-)

Yes, Vulcan is a hot planet, but that doesn't  mean that Vulcans crumble when it's cold.  Spock appears to believe it's beneath his dignity to crumble _ever,_ and Vulcan stamina and fortitude ensure that Spock handles cold BETTER than humans do.

As for Vulcans' normal body temperature, most authors of fan fiction assume that Vulcans are hotter than humans, but there's exactly zero evidence for this in canon.  Vulcan THE PLANET is hotter, but that doesn't mean that Vulcans THE PEOPLE are hotter.  After all, humans who live in the Arctic and humans who live in the tropics all have the same body temperature. :-)  
  
There was a fan-made publication called _Star Fleet Medical Reference Manual_ that posited that Vulcan body temperature was 91F/32.78C. While most fan-made publications are considered non-canon, Paramount used several entries from this particular book in subsequent series, making the book ... still non-canon but closer than most fan works, and many long-time fans have used the book as "proof" that Vulcan body temperature is lower than that of humans.  
  
There are two sources of information in TOS that suggest that Spock's body temperature is, in fact, _lower_ than that of humans.  
  
  a.  One is McCoy's comment in "The Paradise Syndrome," where he says, "Well, your Vulcan metabolism is so low it can hardly be measured, and as for the pressure, that green ice water you call blood..."  Given that McCoy so often speaks emotionally and figuratively, I don't take that as definitive evidence for lower body temperature, since McCoy could well mean "ice water" figuratively. Or he could be speaking the exact literal truth; it's hard to tell with McCoy. :-)  
  
  b.  The other is the biobed readouts in "The Naked Time."  (I chose this episode because this is the only time that Spock is in a biobed when he's completely healthy.  All of the other times that we see him in a biobed, he's been clouted on the head, or he's in pon farr, or the salt vampire has just attacked him, or something else is wrong, things which could affect his normal readings.)  

If you recall that episode, when Joe Tormolen and Spock get back from the planet, McCoy checks them both out. A screenshot of the biobed monitor shows that the temperature reading for Spock is significantly _lower_ than it is for Tormolen.  If TOS were being made today, I'd take this as definitive evidence that Vulcan body temperature is lower than that of humans.  But in 1966, most people didn't have the ability to record television shows and pore over them frame-by-frame, the way fanatics do today.  Whoever made the biobed readings for Spock in "The Naked Time" may not have expected viewers to look at and remember the readings, so I take those readouts as suggestive but not definitive.  
  
I've taken screenshots of the monitor in both cases; here's a picture comparing them:   
If you want the Vulcans in your story to have a higher body temperature, you can write them that way, since the data we have is certainly NOT definitive, and even if it were, fan fiction is often for making things the way we want them to be, rather than the way they are. :-)  However, no one should castigate authors who incorporate a lower temperature into their stories — which I have seen many reviewers do — because they're at least as likely to be right.  
  
Regardless of whether Spock's normal body temperature is higher or lower than that of humans, what IS clear is that cold doesn't debilitate Spock unduly; he handles the cold BETTER than humans do.  So there's no need to have Spock shivering pathetically when it's not cold enough to bother Kirk or McCoy, and there's no need to have Kirk or McCoy gravely concerned that it's "too cold for Spock" when it's all of 50F/10C.  
  
  
**8.There are 430 people on the _Enterprise_.**  
  
At the time of the original five-year mission under James T. Kirk, the _Enterprise_ had a complement of 430 crew. Not 200, not 1100. 430.  
  
  
**9\. Spock knows when to call Kirk "Captain" and when to call him "Jim."**  
  
A _very_ large percentage of fan stories have Kirk telling Spock to call him "Jim" instead of "Captain," but Spock's a smart guy, and he calls Kirk "Jim" when it's appropriate.

In general, Spock calls Kirk "Captain" in public during routine situations.  He calls Kirk "Jim" in private, during tense moments, or when he wants Kirk to pay extra-close attention to what he's saying.

In the very first TOS episode ever made that features Kirk — "Where No Man Has Gone Before," the second pilot — Spock calls Kirk "Captain" when they're in public, both when they're playing chess in the rec room and on the Bridge.  But when they're alone together in the briefing room, after the meeting, when Spock is trying to convince Kirk that Mitchell must be marooned or killed, then he calls Kirk "Jim."  He says, "We'll never reach an Earth base with him aboard, Jim. You heard the mathematics of it. In a month he'll have as much in common with us as we'd have with a ship full of white mice."

In other words, Spock begins as he means to go on, calling Kirk "Captain" in public and calling him "Jim" in private, during tense moments, or when he wants Kirk to pay extra-close attention to what he's saying.

My favorite example of a time when Spock calls Kirk "Jim" is probably during the end of Part 1 of "The Menagerie."  They've paused the court martial for a moment, and everyone but Kirk and Spock leave the room.  The instant they're alone, Kirk says, "Do you know what you're doing?  Have you lost your mind?"  And Spock replies, "Captain, Jim, please, don't stop me.  Don't let _him_ stop me.  It's your career and Captain Pike's life."  They're in a very formal situation — they've just recessed from a court martial — so Spock starts out calling Kirk "Captain."  But "Captain" isn't right for what he needs to say.  They are alone, and it is a tense moment, and Spock does want Kirk to really pay attention – plus he wants to call on their friendship for a favor – so he switches to "Jim" before he's even started the rest of the sentence.  It's an exquisite example of just how well Spock navigates the use of Kirk's title and first name, switching easily depending on the circumstances.

One exception to the rule I've given here is during the confrontation between Kirk and Spock in Spock's quarters during "Amok Time" — the one where they have that talk about Vulcan biology.  Spock is highly uncomfortable during this conversation, very much on his dignity, and he needs the psychological distance that formality provides; hence, he calls Kirk "Captain" all during this conversation.  Again, whoever* wrote this conversation shows excellent understanding of the nuances of Spock's calling Kirk "Captain" vs. "Jim" and uses the formal title as a way of giving poor, uncomfortable Spock some distance.  Of course Spock calls him "Jim" during the emotional reunion at the end of the episode, and his having called Kirk "Captain" for the rest of the episode makes that heartfelt "Jim" all the sweeter. ;-)

Spock calls Kirk "Jim" once during "The Corbomite Maneuver," several times in "The Naked Time," once in "Charlie X," several times in "The Devil in the Dark" ...  Well.  I won't bore you with a listing of every single instance of when Spock calls Kirk "Jim." :-)  But in general, he calls Kirk "Captain" in public during routine situations.  He calls Kirk "Jim" in private, during tense moments, or when he wants Kirk to pay extra-close attention to what he's saying. 

* (Yes, Theodore Sturgeon wrote the script for "Amok Time," but the script was rewritten by Dorothy Fontana AND Gene Roddenberry AND Gene Coon, so we don't know who exactly was responsible for Spock's calling Kirk "Captain" during this conversation.)

  
**10\. Spock uses his hands all day, every day, at his console. He also plays the lute.**  
  
This suggests that the merest touch on his hands will NOT send him into transports of ecstasy. The whole Vulcan-hands-are-sensitive thing IS fun — I get that — but let's inject a bit of believability, okay?  
  
  
**_11._ The _Enterprise_ is extremely well equipped and has FOURTEEN scientific laboratories.**  
  
I saw one author send Spock to "the Science Room." The _Enterprise_ is not your local high school! It doesn't have a Science Room; in the TOS episode "Operation - Annihilate," we learned that it has FOURTEEN fully equipped and very busy LABORATORIES.  
  
If you don't know enough about science to send your Spock to the lab, you might want to keep your Spock on the bridge. ;-)  
  
  
**12.  Spock is NOT the only Vulcan in Starfleet.**  
  
In "The Immunity Syndrome," Spock is momentarily overcome when he feels four hundred Vulcans die on the _USS Intrepid_ , so we know that there were at least four hundred other Vulcans in Starfleet, and given that Vulcan is a prominent member of the Federation, there were probably more than that. 

One wonders how those starships with _out_ Vulcan science officers managed when they ran into races like the Melkotians and had no mind melders available or ran into giant space amoebas and had no one with Vulcan stamina to send out in a shuttlecraft.  Perhaps there's a reason why the _Enterprise_ so frequently ran into derelict or dying starships. :-)

[The official Star Trek database maintained by Paramount](http://www.startrek.com/database_article/spock) does say that Spock was the FIRST Vulcan in Starfleet, and although there are a lot of reasons why I think this is misguided of them, Paramount owns Spock and I don't. :-) 

 

 **13.  Gary Mitchell was never first officer of the _Enterprise_.**  
  
This is a mistake commonly made in fan fiction, and I think a lot of fanfic authors get it from each other. :-)  Mitchell was the helmsman — the same job Sulu would have later — not the first officer.  
  
If you really want to have Mitchell be the Exec in your story, you can write it that way, because part of what fan fiction is FOR is for making things the way we want them to be, rather than the way they actually are.  But in what passes for reality when we're talking about Star Trek :-D, Mitchell was never the first officer.  
  
Both Leonard Nimoy's autobiography [_I Am Spock_](http://www.amazon.com/I-Am-Spock-Leonard-Nimoy/dp/0786861827/ref=la_B000APXBK6_1_2?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1394349054&sr=1-2), AND [_The Making of Star Trek_](http://www.amazon.com/Making-Star-Trek-Stephen-Whitfield/dp/1852863633/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1394336729&sr=1-1&keywords=Making+of+Star+Trek) — which was co-written by Gene Roddenberry — make it clear that **Spock** was first officer during the events of "Where No Man Has Gone Before," not Gary Mitchell. And I'd think Mr. Nimoy and Mr. Roddenberry would know. ;-)

 

1 **4.  "Spock" is Spock's _personal_ name; his _family_ name is unpronounceable by humans and is never given in canon, though the novels make some suggestions.**

In "This Side of Paradise," Leila Kalomi asks Spock if he has another name, and he replies, "You couldn't pronounce it."  In "Journey to Babel," Amanda makes it clear that it's their _family_ name that's unpronounceable, when she tells Kirk to call her Amanda because he couldn't pronounce their Vulcan family name.  So yeah, all during the series, when they call Spock "Mr. Spock," they've been calling Spock the equivalent of calling Kirk "Mr. Jim."  One more thing our poor half-Vulcan has to adapt to while serving on a mostly human ship. :-)  
  
D.C. Fontana — who was considered the "Vulcan expert" of the behind-the-scenes staff and who made up such Spockian details as the fact that his father was an ambassador and his mother a school teacher — revealed in an issue of the fanzine _Spockanalia_ that she had intended his family name to be "Xtmprsqzntwlfd," but since this is unpronounceable, there wasn't really any way to get this said in dialogue during an episode. Most fanfic authors use one of the names given in the novels, and those are certainly a lot easier to type than "Xtmprsqzntwlfd;" it's quite reasonable to use them. Although Spock's last name is never given in canon, Dorothy Fontana was the one who was responsible for making up a lot of Spock's canon, so "Xtmprsqzntwlfd" is probably as close to canon as we get. But I won't complain if people want to use something easier to spell. :-)

 

**15.  There are no comm badges in TOS.**

The insignia on their shirts is just decoration; it doesn't DO anything.  When away from the ship on landing parties, crew members communicate — among themselves or with the ship — using _communicators_ (sort of like your smart phone, only not as powerful :-D).  When on the ship, they communicate using intercoms; there are intercoms in every room and also spaced periodically along the corridors.

The inventor of the cell phone was partly inspired to invent it because of the communicators he'd seen on TOS.  So please don't take our communicators away! ;-) 

  
Other common mistakes you'd like me to add to this? I'm tempted to add that the names of ships are properly italicized, but that's grammar, not TOS facts, so I'll desist. ;-)

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **1.** I've heard from a small number of (very agitated) people who believe that my tone indicates that I'm trying to put people down. Actually, my tone is intended to be mildly humorous; if you're one of those people who didn't see any humor in the essay, my apologies.
> 
>  **2.** I was a serious Star Trek fan from 1969 until 1986, when I moved in with a man who thought television was the root of all evil. I've recently reclaimed my interest in Star Trek, but my peculiar history means that although I'm very familiar with the episodes of TOS, I've never seen any of the other Star Trek series, since The Next Generation didn't start until a year after I'd moved in with Mr. No-TV-In-My-House. (I'll be working on that, don't worry. ;-D)
> 
> I thought my unusual history made me uniquely situated to remind people about what the boundaries of TOS are, which is why I wrote this little reminder. It's not that I think I know everything, just that I haven't been confused by the vast array of other Star Trek stuff out there. :-D
> 
> Supporting data for the assertions in this essay can be found not just in my head but also in [Memory Alpha](http://en.memory-alpha.org/wiki/Portal:Main), the Star Trek wiki. I recommend the Memory Alpha to authors who want to check facts; there's an enormous amount of information in it, much (though not all) of it accurate.
> 
>  **3.** For some suggestions about how to make Kirk and McCoy sound like Americans, even if you aren't one, please continue on to Chapter 2.
> 
>  **4.** Both chapters of this little essay are intended to be helpful, not proscriptive. If you don't find my advice helpful, you should feel completely and totally free to ignore everything I've said here. I thought that went without saying — it's not like I have any power, after all — but a few people have castigated me for not saying it, so here it is. :-)
> 
>  **5.** Thanks to Sophiedog at FanFiction for suggesting the item about the ready room, to an anonymous user at that site for suggesting the item about Kirk's sexuality, and to Kirarakim at FanFiction for the reminder of the importance of "All Our Yesterdays."
> 
>  **6.** I have a chronic illness that leaves me non-functional more days than not. I will try to respond to any comments I receive; unfortunately, my good intentions are frequently thwarted by my poor health. (I do read them all with great attention, even when my health doesn't permit me to reply.)
> 
>  **7.** I've made a Starfleet career for the computer game _The Sims 3._ You can get it (or just read about it) at [ModTheSims](http://nene.modthesims.info/download.php?t=580458). As always at ModTheSims – and as always with my game mods – the career is completely free, though it does require both _The Sims 3_ and the _Into the Future_ expansion pack to play it. (Please note that this is for _The Sims 3,_ NOT for _The Sims 4.)_


	2. Language Notes for Kirk and McCoy, for non-American writers

* * *

 We know that Jim Kirk is from Iowa, and Leonard McCoy is from Georgia, so both of them speak with American accents and phraseology.  Using non-American word choices for these characters can jolt readers out of your story, which most writers would like to avoid.    
  
Of course, in fan fiction, you can have them speak in any fashion you desire, but if you _want_ to keep them in character, then there are some turns of phrase you might want to avoid.

Below are a few things that Americans typically **DON'T** say, unless they've been reading a lot of British novels lately. :-)  
  
  
**1.  "Fringe" for the hair on Mr. Spock's forehead**  
  
We call those "bangs" in America.  Yes, I know that "fringe" makes more sense.  Yes, I know that "bangs" is a strange sort of word for the item in question.  Still, if Kirk or McCoy notices that this part of Spock's hair is uncharacteristically messed up (or if they experience a desire to mess it up), they will think of his _bangs_ , not his _fringe_.  (And "bangs" is plural, so although his _fringe_ is perfectly straight; his _bangs_ are perfectly straight.)  
  
  
**2.  "Fancy" meaning "like" or "desire" or "want" or "have a romantic crush on."**  
  
"Fancy" is almost never used as a verb in the US, and on the rare occasions when it is, it means "imagine."  If you want Jim Kirk to have a desire for ice cream or shore leave (or Spock ;-D), then he _wants_ ice cream or _feels like_ ice cream.  He might even have _a hankering for_ ice cream (though McCoy might be even more likely to use this particular turn of phrase than Kirk would).  
  
If they have a romantic desire for someone, then they _like, love, have a crush on_ or _are attracted to_ that person.  
  
  
**3.  "Bit" for a section or part or piece of an object or task**  
  
Americans almost never say, "Let me finish this last _bit_ " or "This _bit_ is difficult" or "Hand over that _bit_."  Where British people say _bit_ , Americans usually say _part_ or _piece_.  Kirk will eat the last _piece_ of pie.  McCoy will finish the last _part_ of his current task.  Americans do say "a little bit" for "a small amount," but they rarely refer to individual parts or pieces of tangible objects as _bits_.  
  
  
**4.  "You lot" for a group of people being addressed**  
  
If Kirk is sending one part of the landing party in one direction and another part in another direction, he won't address the people in one of the groups as _you lot_ ; he'd say _you two_ (or _you three_ , or however many there are) or _you people_ or even just _you_.  Since McCoy is from the South, he could say any of the things that Kirk might say; additionally, he might say _you folks_ or _y'all_.  (But make sure you don't use _y'all_ for a single person; that "all'' is there for a reason, and the word is only ever addressed to more than one person.)    
  
Similarly, if they are talking about a group to which their interlocutor belongs, Kirk and McCoy would not talk about _your lot_.  If talking to Spock about Vulcans, for example, Kirk might say _your people_ , or he might just say _Vulcans_ , but he wouldn't say _your lot_.  
  
  
**5.  "Jumper" for a warm garment worn on the upper body**  
  
In the US, a _jumper_ is a sleeveless dress worn over another upper garment, such as a shirt; the article of clothing that is called a _jumper_ in Britain is a _sweater_ in the US.  So Kirk is unlikely to change into a _jumper_ when off duty, unless he enjoys cross-dressing in his spare time.  He can wear _sweaters_ , though. :-)  
  
  
**6.  Irregular past tenses of verbs such as "learn," "smell," and "spoil"**  
  
Americans almost always use the regular past tense of such words.  Kirk _smelled_ a sickening honey-sweet odor in "Obsession," but he would never say he _smelt_ it, nor would he have _learnt_ what the cloud-creature smelled like; he'd have _learned_ it.  
  
  
**7.  "Whilst" is not a word over here; Americans say "while."**  
  
Jim was impatient _while_ he was waiting for McCoy to tell him if Sulu would live.  If he's impatient _whilst_ he waits, he's had a personality transplant, and Scotty should go check the transporter right away. :-)  
  
  
**8.  "Queue" is occasionally used as a noun in the US, but it's almost never used as a verb outside of computer science; Americans "line up" or "form a line" or "wait in line."**  
  
Jim's crew _lined up_ to be transported down to the planet in "This Side of Paradise," but Kirk wouldn't have thought of them as _queuing up_.  
  
  
**9.  Academic terms are quite different in each country.**  
  
While at Starfleet Academy, Jim Kirk would have _studied_ for tests right before he _took_ an exam; he would not have _revised_ for tests before _sitting_ an exam.  
  
  
**10.  "Happy Christmas" is not used in the US.**  
  
Kirk and McCoy would say either "Merry Christmas," if they were speaking specifically of Christmas or "Happy Holidays," if they wanted to include the new year or other holidays, such as Hanukkah or Kwaanza.  
  
  
**11.  "Sort" or "sort out"  meaning "to solve a problem" or "to perform a task"**  
  
In the US, "sort" (as a verb) means "to assign objects to categories."  Americans sort their laundry into darks and lights before washing, because if you wash everything together, it all comes out grey. :-)  But if you have a problem in the US, you don't _sort_ it, you _solve_ it.  If there are tasks to be done, you don't _sort_ them, you _do_ them, _perform_ them, or _take care of_ them.  If a room is messy, an American will _clean_ it or _straighten_ it, but we would never _sort_ it.  
  
  
**12.  "Bum" and "Arse" as colloquial terms for "buttocks"**  
  
In the US, "bum" (as a noun) means "vagrant;" it is never used to mean "buttocks."  If you want a colloquial term for buttocks, an American would say "butt" (more polite) or "ass" (less polite).  If you want a politer or more childlike term, you could try "bottom" or "rear."   Similarly, Americans don't say "arse;" it's "ass" in the US.  
  
  
**13.  "Ruddy" as a mild expletive**  
  
In the US, "ruddy" is an infrequently used term meaning "of reddish complexion."  Americans don't use it to express annoyance, so Jim would never say, "The _ruddy_ warp core is overheating again."  Mild expletives in the US would be "darned" or "dratted;" slightly stronger would be "damned."   
  
  
**14.  Many uses of "rubbish"**  
  
Americans never say that they're "rubbish at" something.  We're _bad at_ it, we _suck at_ it, we're _horrible at_ it, but while we understand what you mean when you say you're "rubbish at" something, it's not something an American would say.  
  
If you say something we think is ridiculous, we won't respond with "Rubbish!"  In formal situations, we'd say "Nonsense," and in casual situations, we'd say, "Bullshit," but we'd never dismiss something someone else said with "Rubbish."  "Garbage," perhaps, but not "rubbish."  
  
  
**15.  "Bollocks" in any usage**  
  
Most Americans aren't even sure what this word means. :-)  The word over here is "balls."  
  
  
**16.  "Knickers" for women's underwear**  
  
_Knickers_ are short trousers in the US, a garment that mostly stopped being worn around a century ago.  Women's underpants are either called "panties" or "underwear," never "knickers."  Kirk would never think about "getting into her _knickers_ ," though he might think about "getting into her _pants_."  And McCoy might remove a lady's _panties_ or _underwear_ while making love to her, but he'd never take off her _knickers_.  
  
  
**17\. "Mum" for a person's mother**  
  
The word is "mom" in the US.  Kirk and McCoy might wonder what kind of _mom_ Rand or Uhura or Chapel would make, but "mum" is a rarely used word meaning "silent," found mostly in the phrase "keeping mum."  
  
  
**18.  "Chap" for a male humanoid**  
  
Americans just don't say this.  We say "man" when speaking relatively formally and "guy" when speaking colloquially.  Younger Americans use "dude" in addition to "guy" as a colloquial term for male humanoids.  "Dude" wasn't a word that anyone would have put into Kirk's mouth in 1966, and to me it sounds more like something reboot Kirk would say than something TOS Kirk would say.  But it _is_ reliably American. :-)  
  
  
**19\. "Spanner" for a tool to loosen or tighten things.  
**

We call that a "wrench" in the US.  McCoy is unlikely to use one in the course of his normal duties, though in an emergency, he could possibly pick one up to use as a weapon.  Kirk, on the other hand, could use one for that purpose or could help out in engineering for some reason.  So Scotty could pick up a spanner and hand it to Kirk, at which point it will become a wrench. :-)  
  
  
**20.  There are lots of other words that don't exist over here.** I find most of them quite charming when I run across them in British novels or when an English friend says them, but they're words that Kirk and McCoy wouldn't say and might not even know.  
  
These words include _knackered, barking_ (for "crazy"), _chuffed, witter_ , and lots more.  If you're writing a story and aren't sure if something is said in the US, feel free to send me an e-mail or to leave a comment here.  
  
  
Of course, you could assume that the language will be more homogenized in the 23rd century than it is now, and words that are almost never used by Americans today will be so used two centuries from now.  But your **readers** live now, and their reactions to words are those of the present century, so it is still the case that using words in a way that Kirk and McCoy didn't use them in TOS can jolt readers out of your story.  You can do that if you want — heck, in fan fiction, you can do ANYTHING you want — but this little list is intended for those who do want to make Kirk and McCoy speak in their usual fashion.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **1.** Both chapters of this little essay are intended to be helpful, not proscriptive. If you don't find my advice helpful, you should feel completely and totally free to ignore everything I've said here. If you actually WANT to have Kirk or McCoy speak in British English, you can do that. As always, you can do ANYTHING YOU WANT in fan fiction. But if you want Kirk to sound as if he's from Iowa or McCoy to sound as if he's from Georgia, then this little list might help.
> 
>  **2.** I've heard from a small number of (very agitated) people who believe that my tone indicates that I'm trying to put people down. Actually, my tone is intended to be mildly humorous; if you're one of those people who didn't see any humor in the essay, my apologies.
> 
>  **3.** I own neither Star Trek nor the English language, damnitall.
> 
>  **4.** Thanks for reading!


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